by CASEY D. CALHOUN, PHD
If you’ve ever found yourself lying awake at night replaying a parenting moment, wondering if you handled things correctly, you’re not alone. Today’s parents are thoughtful, engaged, and deeply invested in getting it right. Yet, many feel they’re falling short.
As a clinical child psychologist and a parent of three rambunctious boys, I’m here to say: modern parenting is hard, and you’re likely doing better than you think.
Over the past decade, research has shown that parents feel more stressed, not because they are doing worse, but because demands have increased. For many families, financial pressure is a constant backdrop. Rising costs of living have reduced financial flexibility, and more families now live farther from grandparents, limiting access to childcare support.
Parents must navigate online grading portals, new instructional approaches, and earlier academic benchmarks. Sports and other activities now require greater investments from parents and seem more competitive, becoming yet another arena for parents to help kids achieve “exceptional performance.”
Then there’s technology. Today’s youth live in a world of smartphones, social media, video games, and emerging technologies such as artificial intelligence and virtual reality. Keeping up with these technologies is unavoidable for modern parents, who must identify risks, establish rules, and monitor use to support their child’s well-being. Even more, many technologies activate the brain’s reward systems and can amplify children’s emotions, contributing to more frequent tantrums or blow-ups with parents.
Navigating the generational divide with grandparents can be particularly tricky as modern challenges and parenting approaches don’t often align with what was common “back in the day.” Differences in beliefs about how to properly raise children often require parents to provide corrective feedback or set boundaries with grandparents. These conversations challenge power dynamics and can be received as disrespectful if not handled with care.
It’s no wonder so many parents feel strained and are left questioning their competence.
Current parenting advice can add to the tension. Parents are advised to be calm, responsive, and emotionally attuned while also setting clear boundaries and expectations. Finding that balance isn’t easy, and these well-intentioned recommendations can leave parents believing there is a “right way” to parent that they can’t achieve, leading them to question themselves even more: “Was I too hard on my child?” “Too soft?”
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, despite what social media may suggest. Parenting advice is often oversimplified and presented with a high level of certainty, leaving parents feeling even more inadequate when they can’t fix things easily. If parenting were that simple, no parents would struggle. And yet, many do.
So how might parents know if they’re doing a good job? Focus on your child’s overall well-being and consistent patterns you’ve observed over time.
Consider your child’s basic needs: Does your child have access to stable housing, food, and clothing? Are their learning needs being met? Do they have opportunities to express their strengths and build self-esteem? Do they have friends and generally get along well with others? Do they feel capable of meeting expectations at school, home, and elsewhere? Do they feel emotionally supported and comfortable coming to you or a co-parent when they need help? Do you spend time together outside of structured activities, and do you generally enjoy each other’s company?
If the answer to most of these questions is “yes,” then you are likely doing just fine as a parent. Take a moment to recognize all that you are doing well—you deserve credit for ensuring your child’s basic needs are met.
All parents can do better, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Resist the notion of “perfect parenting” and embrace parenting as a learning process. Parents are constantly learning about their child and how to support them in navigating modern challenges. To complicate things, parenting that works for one child may not work for another, even within the same family, and parenting that worked last year may not work the same this year. Every child has their own temperament and tendencies and may be affected differently by life challenges. Unfortunately, kids don’t come with an instruction manual outlining the approach that will work best— parents discover what works and what doesn’t as they go.
Acknowledge where you could do better, set goals, and hold yourself accountable. If you feel stuck, try to let go of any shame that may prevent you from asking for professional help. Some parents hesitate to seek mental health services because it can feel like admitting they’re “failing” or incompetent. Shift your focus to “what new skills do I need to learn to continue growing as a parent?” and away from overly self-critical thoughts. This shift in thinking is where self-compassion facilitates personal growth.
Be patient with yourself, don’t expect to handle everything with ease, and embrace the opportunity to grow alongside your child as you both figure out how to thrive in this rapidly evolving world.
Dr. Calhoun is a licensed psychologist, assistant professor in the University of North Carolina–Chapel Hill School of Education, and owner of Calhoun Psychology PLLC. He maintains an active research program focused on stress and coping throughout the adolescent transition, and, in his clinical work, he specializes in psychoeducational and ADHD assessments as well as evidence-based therapy. Calhoun Psychology partners with local schools, universities, and organizations to expand access to mental health services for youth and families. Learn more at calhounpsychology.com.
Featured image courtesy of freepik.com