Parents can feel a range of emotions when children leave home. Here are ways to navigate this life transition.
story by MANDY HOWARD
photos by JENN McKINNEY PHOTOGRAPHY
Anxious. Excited. Terrified. Proud. Heartbroken.
It’s hard to imagine all these adjectives describing the same life event, yet many parents use these exact words to describe how they feel about becoming “empty nesters.”
Empty nesters are the parents of adult children who are leaving home to “fly” toward athletic, academic, travel or professional pursuits. Most commonly, it refers to parents when their youngest, or only, child goes off to college or moves away from home. This bittersweet moniker encapsulates the confusing journey of parenthood. Letting our kids fly out on their own is something that we as parents strive or work toward and hope for, but when the time comes, it often feels way too soon.
Personally, the transition is mid-stage. This fall, I’ll be sending two of my three kids off to college. While I could not be more excited, I also know that as a single mom, I want to be as prepared as I can for what lies ahead. I recently spoke with friends, peers and professionals to see if there are ways to best prepare for this movement in life, not only for myself but also for other parents in the same situation.
Coping with Change
If you are the first of your friends to be an empty nester, it may be hard to express the complex emotions you are feeling. You knew this was coming. You’ve been working so hard to get your child to this next step, and now that it’s here, your emotions are all over the place and you’re feeling stressed.
This is both normal and healthy, says Abby Pressel, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Chapel Hill Pediatric Psychology.
“Even exciting changes are still stressful. This is a time when things are changing both for the new college student and for their parents. It’s a major life transition; the fact that it’s stressful isn’t necessarily bad,” she says.
Pressel notes that—just like with any change in life—preparation can help alleviate stress. “Something I’ve seen with parents who have navigated [this transition] well, is when the parents found places where kids can practice responsibility before they leave the nest.”
She recommends allowing children, especially those who are 18, to make their own dental appointments, pick up their own medicine, make hair appointments, etc. She says if the practice begins at home and if things need to shift or adjust, parents are still there, teaching their teens to be the problem solvers and their own best advocates.
While preparedness can alleviate some fears that parents may feel when their babies are so far away, there are other common “empty nest” hurdles to handle.
Sean Dolle, a father of two teenage daughters, Mackenzie and Samantha, says nothing could have prepared him for two distinct aspects that hit him when his oldest daughter moved out. “I did not fully expect all the extra time we would have. In part because one kid was out of the house but also because Samantha received her driver’s license within two weeks of Mackenzie going to school. Also, I’m not sure I was fully prepared for how much I would miss Mackenzie when she went to college. I was so excited for her to go to college and begin to grow as her own person that I did not fully prepare myself for the void that her moving out would create.”
Tasneem and Saleem Hussaini of Cary recently saw their daughter Sameena leave home to attend the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.
Replacing the Time
This article will not claim to be able to emotionally repair the tear that is ripped when you are missing someone being home every day, but it can focus on the other aspect that Dolle brought up: time.
Serpil Suggs of Raleigh is the mother of identical twin boys, who are now 23. In 2020, her husband was working at the Olympic & Paralympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, when their sons left for college. COVID-19 lockdowns were in place across the country and she soon found herself alone.
Suggs could be a veritable test case in coping with transition. The thing she credits for filling that time? Run clubs.
“Run clubs absolutely helped me. Because otherwise, it would’ve just been me and Chewy (her dog) just kind of staring at each other,” she laughs. Suggs notes that she began going to run clubs serendipitously. Always a runner, she and a friend decided to look for run groups to keep them motivated.
She says, “I’m not someone who wakes up and immediately goes running. I’m someone who thinks, ‘I should really go running … I should really put on my shoes and get running … and then when nighttime hits I’ll say, oh well, I’ll go tomorrow.’”
Knowing she needed a “start time” to keep her in line, she and her friend found a Monday night run club. They loved the social atmosphere so much that they looked for one on Tuesday and then on Wednesday. Pretty soon, the run clubs became a regular part of her routine—and an engaging and active part of her social life.
Similarly, Dolle and his wife decided they needed something healthy to fill their newly found time. They discovered MADabolic, a nationwide strength and conditioning gym that prides itself on community and encouragement. Regulars at the downtown Raleigh location, Sean and his wife Juliette have become friends with the other members and the owners. “We have several friends and neighbors who also go to the gym. Seeing them there and catching up is great. And I really enjoy working out with Juliette and having this experience that we can share … even when we are really sore afterwards,” he jokes.
Fitness-minded outlets aren’t the only way to fill that time. Ask yourself what hobbies you put aside.
What have you always wanted to achieve or learn? What were you good at before you devoted your life to your children?
Then, go online and find a group. Try to find something that meets regularly. It might feel weird the first time,
doing something just for yourself and not for your kids. Keep trying until you find the right fit.
“Any period where we go from one life stage to a new one, we have to deal with major shifts in days and
responsibilities. So, literally, how you spend most of your hours is going to change and that is something that is
going to take some time to figure out,” Pressel says.
Being Kind to Yourself
While you’re finding the perfect fit to fill your time, remember to give yourself grace. If you read a recent story of mine, “Beyond Bottles and Bibs,” in Triangle Family, you know I’m a big fan of this particular notion. In any transition, give yourself a break and know that while your journey will never look exactly like someone else’s, you are not alone.
Not only is empty nesting a definite transition, it can also cause intense emotional turmoil. According to Mayo Clinic, empty nest syndrome— while not an official clinical diagnosis—is a recognized label used to describe long-term maladaptive responses some parents experience when their children, or last child, move out.
This could look several different ways, from overcommunicating with your child and picking fights with them if you don’t feel like they’re communicative enough or falling into a depression and having a hard time getting out of bed.
Pressel emphasizes that if parents are overwhelmed by the changes or feel stress they can’t control, they should seek mental health support. “Certainly, reaching out to loved ones and friends is a great thing, but there are also lots of times when people will seek out additional support just as they’re trying to figure out their next proactive steps.”
Most importantly, she says, “Normalize that this is a thing that can be hard, but people make it through.”