story by KATHERINE KOPP
photos by JENN McKINNEY PHOTOGRAPHY
Grandparents play a unique role in the lives of their grandchildren. They can serve as role models, caregivers, storytellers,
cheerleaders and companions in learning and having fun.
Grandparents provide their grandchildren with a connection to the past, enhancing their sense of identity within the larger family.
By sharing their own life experiences, grandparents can strengthen a family’s ability to carry on traditions from one generation to the next.
Today, many grandparents live in places other than where their grandchildren reside, sometimes a great distance away. This distance can make it more difficult to establish a close bond, since personal interactions may be infrequent or brief. But with today’s technology, it’s possible to have real face-to-face interactions between the two generations, even when separated by distance.
MILES APART, YET CLOSE AT HEART
“For all kids, Zoom and FaceTime are important,”says Ann Baker, a licensed psychologist and a grandmother who lives in Chapel Hill.
“Our grandchildren live in Minnesota and, especially when they were infants or toddlers, a disembodied voice on the phone didn’t mean that much to them,” she says. “We try to go visit a few times a year and to stay for a meaningful amount of time when we go. But we have been able to build and strengthen relationships with our grandchildren by having FaceTime or Zoom calls in between visits.”
Baker and her husband, Mike Lienesch, have four grandchildren, ages 11, 9, 6 and 3. They have often read to their younger grandchildren on FaceTime, Baker says. “During the pandemic, when we could not go visit, we read to them, and we sometimes played Bingo and board games with the older ones.”
She says it’s important to really pay attention to your grandchildren when you are together. “Kids like the focus to be on them when you are with them,” she says. “When we visit, we take the opportunity to go to some of their activities to see what they are doing. If we are connecting with them on Zoom or FaceTime, we sometimes ask them to show off their skills, like a picture they have drawn. One grandchild learned to do headstands, so we asked for an online demonstration!”
Another way Baker and Lienesch have bonded with their 11-year-old grandson is by reading the same book he is reading and discussing it with him. “It’s another way to connect with him and to demonstrate that we are truly interested in him and in what he’s doing,” Baker says.
They also sometimes send their grandchildren letters or postcards in the mail. “Kids love ‘snail mail,’” Baker says. “At times, we get a correspondence going where we send a letter in the mail and enclose a stamped envelope so our grandchildren can send something back to us. They really enjoy doing that.”
SHARING INTERESTS
Rick and Glenda Toppe of Raleigh have two grandsons who live in Apex, ages 9 and 6. The Toppes have spent quite a bit of time with them since each was born.
“We see them about once a week,” Glenda says. “Sometimes, it’s with our son and daughter-in-law, and sometimes it’s just us and the kids.”
Though they always enjoy interacting with all three generations and have taken several family beach trips and a trip to the Dominican Republic together, the Toppes especially enjoy having time with the grandchildren by themselves.
“When we have them here without their parents, the kids give us their full attention and we give them ours,” Glenda says. “We have them over for sleepovers regularly, something we’ve done since they were 2 or 3. We play games, read to them or make up stories, and we snuggle with them at bedtime.
The Toppes also participate in activities that enhance bonding with their grandsons, such as attending Grandparents Day at their school, Sunday school events at their synagogue, and watching them engage in their extracurricular activities, such as taekwondo class.
Jeanmarie and Barry Curtis of Durham have seven grandchildren, ranging in age from 2 to 9; four live in Raleigh and three in Alabama.
They see their local grandchildren regularly. “We usually go to their house because it’s easier for us to go to them,” Jeanmarie says. ‘We wait to hear what is convenient for our son and his wife and plan our visits accordingly.”
The activities they do with the children vary, based on the kids’ ages and interests.
“Each one is different,” Barry says, “so we try to treat them as individuals and do things with each of them that they enjoy.” He feels it’s “important to get down on their level, and by that I mean literally face-to-face.”
Barry says the “divide and conquer” approach works well with their grandchildren. “We often take one of the grandchildren on an outing that’s age-appropriate,” he says. “We have done things like take one of the younger ones to Pullen Park, which is a great place for toddlers.”
With their older grandchildren, the Curtises take them on hikes around their neighborhood in nice weather or to an indoor play space in cold or rainy weather. “What they really like to do is run around and scream and laugh!” Barry says.
The Curtises try to keep up with their grandchildren’s changing interests as they grow, learning about games, activities and
movie characters that they like. “The older boys like Pokémon,” says Barry, “so I have been trying to learn about that.”
Jeanmarie took their two oldest granddaughters, ages 8 and 9, to the stable where she keeps her horse. “They really loved
having the chance to ride,” she says. “That was lots of fun for them and for me!”
When they visit their grandchildren in Alabama, they plan activities that the grandchildren will enjoy. “Our grandson in
Alabama likes to build things, so we do a lot of building with him when we are there,” Barry says. “He also likes Ninja Turtles and Marvel Super Heroes, so sometimes we go to a movie or do something related to the characters he likes.”
On one visit to Alabama, Barry took his granddaughter to a place where she could choose some vintage jewelry. “She really liked that outing,” he says.
THE ART OF GRANDPARENTING
When spending time with grandchildren, grandparents need to be respectful of the parents and their rules and expectations for
their kids.
“Our job is to provide unconditional love, not to give advice,” Baker says. “Even if you think one of your grandchildren should be toilet-trained, for example, don’t say that. It’s important to be careful not to express things that might be perceived as judgmental,” she adds. “You may think you are offering helpful advice, but your adult children might perceive it as criticism of their parenting skills.”
Keep in mind that, in most cases, the lives of parents are much more frantic than the lives of the grandparents. “Be supportive and encouraging,” Baker says. “Let the parents know that you respect their rules and that you think they are doing a great job.”
Being mindful of the boundaries around your roles as grandparents will preserve harmony within the family. That, in turn, will allow bonds to develop among all three generations, which is sure to enhance grandparents’ closeness to their grandchildren.
Rick and Glenda Toppe of Raleigh spend a summer afternoon with their grandsons, who are 9 and 6.